Lower the expectation

I woke up feeling confident, not that I was going to get a glowing report but because I felt like I knew what I wanted to contribute to the meeting.  I had all the necessary bits of paper and some, just in case pieces too. 

I was the first person to arrive at work, which gave me a moment to breath.  Last night, I had a moment of panic about what was required for this meeting and so I sent out a few texts to friends just to clarify.  I didn’t want to forget anything.  I then emailed myself all the various documents that might be needed.  I went to bed feeling, if nothing else, prepared.

I was a few minutes early for meeting my PA and so I sat with my Sherwood Diary reading over the various Acts and Legislations relating to my work. I am trying to utilise this as a learning tool, for although the information is brief, it is concise and accurate.

My PA arrived and we went off to the meeting with my tutor, JD.

As the door to the office closed behind us, I felt my little bit of confidence seep away.  I knew I was struggling, but now I had to say it out loud in front of 2 people that I had great respect for.  All the outside stuff that was happening with my daughter and other things was beginning to chip away at me.  This meeting suddenly felt daunting.

I know that my expectations of myself are high and I think this is what is making me come undone.  Between my tears, we talked about the need to see progress.  The next month or so will be my proving ground.  I need to start feeling confident that I can do this.  We talked about my holding back.  My PA said that she felt I was ‘reserved’ in my writing.

When I got back to work, BB asked me a difficult question.  He asked, “Do you believe in yourself?”

My answer today, was “no”.

Today’s 3-way meeting was hugely constructive and deconstructive all at the same time.