The Chinese Laundry

Yes, you've guessed it.
I have moved from my lovely, cosy flat to a Chinese Laundry, at least that is what it feels like at the end of today.
Three loads of laundry, all expertly done, sheets, towels and a colourful wash.
All done separately and NOT together.
Feeling quite chuffed with myself for having accomplished the minimum of chores over half-term and also managing to do homework and keep Child occupied, I didn't think about the logistics of 3 very large loads of wet fabric that needed drying.
I had run out of space to hang it all and had to run downstairs to my amazing neighbours to borrow a drying rack.
My flat now has this ever-present dewy misty feel to it, humid but not quite tropical.
Shame, no palm trees or sandy beach.
One can but dream, eh?
Oh well, only another 48 hours until this laundrette becomes a home again.

And no you can't drop off a load or two and expect to pick it up at 5pm, washed, dried, ironed and folded.

All that will cost you double!!!

A Witch and her Familiar.....

Ooohhhh......spooky!!!

London lament :-(

Yes, I'm having a brief grumble about my chosen place of habitat....

London.
Or rather London Transport.
I grew up on the Misery Line, that's the Northern Line to you foreigners.
But I loved it.
I never felt let down by the tube.
It started early and finished late, sometimes later.
As for buses, what could be better then a slow ride across London Town, taking in all the sights on the way to work.
And the night buses saved me many a time when I was a 'bit' younger after a night out clubbing.
We, en masse, would make our way down to Trafalgar Square, hoards of the youth of North London, finding our own personal bus home.
I have so many fond memories of wending my way home in the wee hours of the morning, turning the key in the door, creeping in and up to my room, not wanting to wake the parents. Going to bed as the sun is starting to rise and the dawn chorus is beginning to sing, has it's own particular sort of magic.
But last night I felt failed by London's wonderful transport service.
I had to walk along a busy road, round the corner and there is the bus stop. But what is so unfair, is that every time I do this journey, the bus (no matter what time I arrive) goes past the corner just as I'm getting to it.
This was last night's scenario.
Except that I ended up sitting there for a further half an hour, much to my chagrin.
It's amazing the array of different people that went past me at that time of night.
Older couples coming back from the theatre, young gaggles of girls drunk on too much 'whatever', looking barely legal. A father and son, same in profile, both chewing gum.
Finally, along came my bus.
I sat down and closed my eyes, knowing that I had a way to go, my bed getting ever closer.

Autumn in the Woods

With the exception of yesterday morning, the last two days have beautiful.

We managed to spend quite a bit of time outside, rambling through a beautiful woodland.
The colours are amazing, the air was crisp, the sky was blue.
It was perfect for autumn.

On a lighter note...

Friday night was one of those rare occasions when I actually wore a skirt to go dancing.
A friend (and beautiful dancer) is always on at me to wear one, to be more girlie, to get rid of my jeans.
And so I did, just for one night.
It totally changed the way that I danced.
I felt different.
I was reminded of an old song....."I feel pretty, oh so pretty....."
The music was good, along with some excellent and some not-so-excellent partners.
I'm at a low ebb, but I'm still dancing.
After changing to go home, I went to get my coat and bumped into a regular, Mr. P.
You're not leaving yet? I haven't had a dance.
What could I do but throw down my bag and coat and accept the offer.
The music came wafting out to the foyer, it was old school jazz, not too fast.
It felt funny dancing in full light in front of strange people.
It felt like a performance.
But the dance was good and at the end of it, we thanked each other, he went back inside the hall and I went home.
It was a good night.

Blue

I am feeling decidedly like a bitch....most of the time.
I'm not feeling like I'm being a good mummy or even a half-way decent one.
I am definitely NOT over DC.
I feel anxious every time we get homework from Dragon Lady.
Not being a particularly good friend to dear friend who has lovely new man.
Negative, low self-esteem, not very confident and tearful.
I want to shake this murky quagmire that I'm in.
But not sure how?

Not-so-nice-mummy!

There are days when the best part of the day is waking up.
Today is one such day.
So far.
It started off as a lovely, sunny Sunday morning.
Child let me sleep in until 8.15am, in reality that was actually only 7.15am, as I'd forgotten to put the clocks back.
We had lovely snuggles, she had breakfast and then I went back to bed with my coffee and Wednesday's paper, while Child did some drawing with the telly on.
Managed to get a quick call into my auntie and my sister and then that's when the 'nice' part of the day ended.
Admittedly I did have 1 1/2 hours of quality.
But Child has been rubbing her left eye and it's very sore looking. She tries to not rub it with her hand, but then uses a dry tissue or t-shirt sleeve, sort of defeats the purpose of 'not' rubbing it.
I needed to put eye drops in it.
Would she let me?
No.
I kept trying and kept missing.
And she kept giggling.
Was this a game?
No.
Did she want her eye to feel better?
Yes.
Ok, then lie still.
She wriggled more, as I got more frustrated and then became 'shouty' mummy.
Horrible shouty mummy!
It all escalated, I couldn't reign myself in.
I know I'm tired from college, from work, from dancing, from doing too much, from not having a proper break.
I felt like I was in a downward spiral.
Until I stopped and said, enough.
I was going let her make her own choice, while I had a few minutes in my room.
She hates it when I close my door and sees it as rejection, not as me having my own space.
Her tears started and so did mine.
Horrid.
Finally, she lies down, stops moving, stops pushing my hand away and I get one good drop in the afflicted eye.
What a bloody nightmare.
I feel crappy and have a headache creeping in.
Suddenly my phone chirps with a message, a friend will be in the playground with her kids and would we like to meet them there.
Oh hell yes!
Child perks up and as if by magic, everything is all fine and forgotten.
Teeth are quickly cleaned and off we go.
Unfortunately she wants her scooter, to which the answer is no.
So then another round of stamping feet and huffing ensue.
This slowly disappears as we get nearer to the playground.
Once inside she runs off to join her friends and I sit down next to my friend.
Collapsing on her shoulder, tears come again and I ask her if she'll have Child for the afternoon.
Bless her, she says yes.
I'm given time for a reprieve and to retrieve my torn emotions.
Once home, I go into Izzy Stephens mode and start my short-term therapy.
Baking.
And here I am, about to finish the newspaper on my bed with a cup of coffee.
Isn't that where I started the day?

Unbelievable!

Waiting for a bus, an elderly couple walk up.
The man asks for directions and I tell him it is a 10 minute walk "that way".
"Oh no, can't walk it, I'm asthmatic," said he.
So they sat down and waited for the bus.
I turned away from him and another older man had sparked up a ciggy nearby. We were all down-wind from him.
"Excuse me, would you mind moving a little bit that way, please? The man over there is asthmatic."
The second geezer (very apt), looks at me blankly and says in broken English, that he didn't understand.
I turned back to the first old codger and gasp in amazement as he is now sitting there puffing on a roll-up.
How absolutely ridiculous is that???

Mean mummy

Child likes her hot waterbottles.
But tonight it was like pulling teeth to get her to do anything!
Dawdler, procrastinator, both good names for her.
There always seems to be something better to do then the task at hand.
And tonight, enough was enough.
Finally in bed, with a story read, the light went off, lots of kisses and....
"Mummy, can I have a hot water bottle, pleeeeaaase??"
My answer was no, its too late.
As the door was closing, I could hear her little voice say, "mummy, if you do some work tonight, maybe after you finish your work, maybe if you have the time, mummy could you maybe make a hot water bottle, but only if you want to, maybe?"
Oh my gosh, what's a mummy to do, eh?

6 conversation

Driving through a rather affluent part of North London, I found myself bumper to bumper with a divinely gorgeous car.

"Oooooooooooh!" I said to myself between dribbles, forgetting that Child was in the car with me.
"What is it mama?" her little voice broke through into my daydreams.
I had been in a DB9, but this.....this was a DB6.

It was older than me and oh so better preserved.
"It's a DB6, darling".
"Oh, ok."
A few minutes later.
"Mama...what's a DB6?"
Trying not to giggle too much, I managed a response.
"It's a car, a very stunning car," I said, sounding rather pathetic.
"Mama, can we have one?"
"Huh?"
"Mama, when I start working, I'm going to buy us one. A pink one."
"Sweetheart, I don't think they come in pink," like the colour will be the issue that stops us from owning one.

Self reflection

Something I'm learning how to do at college, is to be more self reflective.
I need to start looking inside myself.
But something that keeps coming up in my thoughts is honesty.
The reason I say this is that I've spent most of the last week and a half trying to come to grips with the fact that I am probably not going to hear from DC again.
The words, "I'll ring you" were the last things he said to me and almost 2 weeks later, I still haven't heard from him. I have resisted the urge to call or text him, so hard when all I want to do is confront him.
But he referred to himself as a butterfly and I have to respect that he doesn't want to get squashed.
I sat in my friend's kitchen to day and said realistically, it's better that I be hurt and get over it now, then be hurt and have to get over it in 2 months time.
The trouble is, is that I'm still in denial. I still think we have potential.
I still want to scream at him and say just give it a chance.
But then I have a reality check and realise that if he wanted this, he would have called by now.
I don't want the reality.
I want what I thought we had, even if it wasn't perfect.
I don't want to be alone.
I want someone to share my life.
And I don't understand why I can't have this?

Lost for words...

Relevant to me

As I was reading "On the Pulse of Morning" earlier this evening to my daughter, I had some surprising thoughts run through my mind.
"History, despite its wrenching pain, cannot be unlived, and if faced with courage, need not be lived again."
This sentence has so much depth of meaning for me. It resonates with what I am going through at the moment.
The trouble is, is that if I were to meet DC again, for the first time, I have no doubt that I would be just as attracted.
So how do I resolve this within myself?
As for the poem, I would highly recommend reading it.
Maya Angelou is an amazing writer.

"On the Pulse of Morning"

My gorjus (yes, this week she is) Child has to do a 'home learning' project for Black History Month. So me being me, I decided not to go with the flow. I picked one of my favourite authors, Maya Angelou, and pulled up a poem of hers on the internet.
Yes, good old internet saves the day, again.
I'd never read this poem before, but at first glance, I could see that it had some good imagery that could be used for drawing.
So this afternoon, we sat down at the table and I gave her the suggestion of drawing these words. We used the very first line.
"A Rock, A River, A Tree"
Child wrote this down at the top of a piece of paper, phonetically (always very interesting) and then proceeded to draw a corresponding image.
On the next page, she wrote the very last line, "Good Morning" and did the same thing.
The result of which, were 4 very lovely and individual pictures.
I'm curious to see what her teacher will think of this project.

Bread, wine and tears

Well not the bread, can't eat wheat, but the other two seem to be flowing rather well today.
I'm sorry to keep going on about DC, but I feel at such an impasse with my emotions vs. my brain.
My thoughts seem to preoccupied with him.
I find that I can't shake myself out of this miasma.
I feel so frustrated by what I am feeling.
By what he says when we're together and by what he doesn't say when we're apart.
I know that he has what I need and I have what he wants.
I can support as a girlfriend/partner.
He just has to allow me in, but I don't think he will.
He likened himself to a butterfly and I think he's scared of being hurt.
'We' can work on his baggage together.
He's 100% with me and almost the opposite when not.
I don't know what to do.
I know we're good together.
Unbelievable when in the same space.
I'm just not sure, whatever else happens, that I can handle the 'lack of contact/communication' during the in between times.
And all these questions are difficult.
It's difficult to acknowledge that something isn't working properly.
I don't want to let go.
I want more and deserve more, but I want him to want to give it too.
He said he doesn't want to hurt me, but too late, I've invested emotion into him and my heart is hurting.

What is on offer?

Something a very dear friend said to me the other night on the phone, is "what has he got to offer you?"
I had just spent the evening out with DC (or new-ish man). We talked for 3 hours. We sat on a couch in a pub drinking one drink each, talking. He had been very animated and excited because of the weekend he'd just had and was telling me lots of little anecdotes and funny stories. But we also talked about us. About how we'd become intimate very quickly instead of getting to know each other first. Very early on he'd said that he wasn't sure he could 'give' me what I wanted and he reiterated that same statement. He comes with more baggage then I do. He still has many ties to his ex that need to be resolved and he's worried about hurting me.
This made me think.
My friend also told me "to keep my options open".
The thing is, is that I like this man. Not just how he makes me feel, but what he has to say, how he thinks, his opinions. I find him interesting and funny and very sexy.
Why is it so wrong to want to keep seeing him?
It's only wrong if he doesn't want the same thing.
And so I've given myself and him a time frame to see 'what happens'. The thought of this is making me feel sad, tearful, this isn't what I want. I want him, but it has to be a two-way street.
I know that I deserve someone who wants to give me everything and I don't just mean material things. In fact, I don't mean material things at all. But someone who will be my partner in life.
The potential here is huge, but then so is disappointment of rejection.
My glass is still half full.
And as my Pops used to say, "it ain't over til the fat lady sings!"

I'm finding it hard to read what I've written.
This isn't how I want this relationship to go.
I still feel the potential for amazing and wonderful is still possible.
The butterflies are still resident.

Course update

I can't believe that I've almost finished my 3rd full week of college.
How's it going?
Not really sure.
The BIG surprise is that I'm actually enjoying Maths.
Ok, pick yourselves up off the floor.
I said that I'm liking Maths.
It took me 3 goes to get my Maths exam 20 odd years ago and I hated it back then. But now, it's just like doing puzzles.....at least so far it is.
Unfortunately, the class that I'm finding the hardest is English. It all about the facts. I have to learn how not to write 'purple prose' (thanks Spence) and also be more concise.
Analytical essay writing is another one that I'm not looking forward to doing.
The teachers are doing ok, considering we're such a mixed bunch of people with very mixed abilities.
The Maths teacher is great, JH. Everything very simple and clear.
The English teacher is good, K, but not so good at keeping the class focused.
The Social Work teacher, AU, is also very good, with a fun sense of humour.
But the really interesting one is our Course Tutor. Dragon Lady! This term she is teaching us Interpersonal Skills. We had to do role playing today. She will pin you down with a stare if you're talking in class.
Scary!!
I'm hesitant to say that I'm doing well, mainly because I'm finding it hard to do the homework in the evening and also I'd like a few more guidelines about how much work is expected in terms of length of assignment. Plus I'm frustrated at the lack of having a printer. I spoke with my mum about it this evening and she told me to go buy one at half term. This is last years Christmas/Birthday and next Christmas present. I've been deferring it to be able to get the laptop that I really want.
So watch this space for that update.
But so far, all my homework has been handed in on time AND completed.
One of the things I've been using the most has been a pack of colouring pencils. There have been a few pieces of work requiring LOTS of colour (thanks KR).
I'm still really pleased to be on this course and I think that I made the right choice in going to that particular college, but 4 years is starting to feel like a very, very, very long time.

Inability to...

For some reason, I am full of knots.
I feel completely anxious.
I can't focus on the task at hand, namely homework.
My memory stick doesn't work with my Mac and my printer is not compatible.
I'm being very short with my child, snapping at everything.
I'm tired of telling her to listen all the time, except its not all the time.
I don't feel very compatible with a lot of things right now.
Last night, I watched a good friend collapse on the floor.
He's had quite a few turns over the last few months.
He went white and clammy.
His heart raced.
It was horrible waiting for the ambulance to come.
It felt like hours.
He's only a few years older than me and looks healthy.
But obviously something is seriously wrong.
I felt helpless.
I didn't know how to help him.
I didn't know what position to get him into.
I just sat with him and held his hand, while various other people did what they could.
Another friend went in the ambulance with him.
He's ok-ish today.
But this is such a reality check on so many levels.
Sometimes I feel like I simple cannot get it right.