And so it happened

The thing that I had most wished for happened.

It has been 3 months since we last saw each other and tonight DC walked into the dance hall and stood there. It took me a minute to realise that he was actually here or rather there.

We talked, admitting that we were both finding it hard to not to touch.

Both his sister and mother are not doing well.

His time is not his own.

After a while, we walked upstairs.

He couldn't stay as he had to drive back up north, again.

To say that it was hard to let go is an understatement.

We both found it hard to separate.

I know that I sounded emotional and he could hear it when I spoke.

And his kiss confused me more than I can say.

I have no idea when I'm going to see him next.

Tonight threw me, my balance went, again.

And I know that once again, it will only be a matter of time before my balance returns.

But for now, as Simply Red once sang, "I'm holding back the tears...."

All at sixes and sevens

Feeling decidedly on a low ebb.

It is that feeling of trying to make sense of it all.

Trying to understand why things happen a certain way.

Events can sometimes have a cyclical way about them.

Muddling through to clarity.

It might take a while.

Panic

This week was full of little emotional highs and lows.

I felt like I was on a mini-roller coaster and it was NOT fun.

In my last post, I talked about time and I'm going to mention it again.

I do feel like time is running away from me.

I am half-way through my Access course and my University application has been processed, but now it is all about waiting. I have to wait for a letter asking me to come for an interview and that is where I'm coming undone.

I'm making the assumption that the 3 (well 2 really as I'm not that interested in the 3rd one) Universities will look at my application and want to interview me. My lack of confidence is screaming "why would they want to speak with me, when there are so many others with more experience/skills etc?" I was feeling like I needed to speak with my tutor, so I voiced my concerns about my future. I need to do this degree, I need to start working and building my career. I need to be able to support myself and my daughter. Going to University is a major part of the stepping stones that will enable me to succeed.

So I had a wobbly, spoke to my tutor who told me in no uncertain terms, to stop worrying as it was all out of my control.

After the hypothetical splash of cold water to my face, normal life resumed and I focused again on what I needed to accomplish in the here and now.

But I still feel and will probably continue to feel for sometime to come, that I have a weight on my shoulders, that of the responsibility of providing for another person, a dependent person.

It is a heavy load to bear, but one that I hope to do with a modicum of success and with a willingness that has no strings.

Bread, wine and tears

Well not the bread, can't eat wheat, but the other two seem to be flowing rather well today.
I'm sorry to keep going on about DC, but I feel at such an impasse with my emotions vs. my brain.
My thoughts seem to preoccupied with him.
I find that I can't shake myself out of this miasma.
I feel so frustrated by what I am feeling.
By what he says when we're together and by what he doesn't say when we're apart.
I know that he has what I need and I have what he wants.
I can support as a girlfriend/partner.
He just has to allow me in, but I don't think he will.
He likened himself to a butterfly and I think he's scared of being hurt.
'We' can work on his baggage together.
He's 100% with me and almost the opposite when not.
I don't know what to do.
I know we're good together.
Unbelievable when in the same space.
I'm just not sure, whatever else happens, that I can handle the 'lack of contact/communication' during the in between times.
And all these questions are difficult.
It's difficult to acknowledge that something isn't working properly.
I don't want to let go.
I want more and deserve more, but I want him to want to give it too.
He said he doesn't want to hurt me, but too late, I've invested emotion into him and my heart is hurting.