Child rant - NOT!

Throughout the life of this blog, there have been various posts lamenting my ability to be a 'good enough' mother to my child.  I have written about her rages, her tonsil-rattling screams and her know-everything attitude but at the end of the day she comes home to me.  After every visit with her dad, where at the beginning I celebrate my freedom to 'do' whatever I want, by the end of each visit, I can't wait to get her back.  She is my little girl and I miss her.  She had her hair cut short to a bob, which looks amazing, but I wish I'd been there for that.  She made the choice to not have her nails painted because she knew that at the age of 8, her mummy felt it was too grown up a thing to do and yet, I tell her that when she is with her daddy, it is her choice.  Different house, different rules.  

She is growing and developing and I am proud of the person she is becoming and glad that I am her mummy.

Today, she asked me when I had started to call my mum 'mum' and not mummy.  I couldn't remember and said that I thought it was well into my late teens.

She said that she would definitely always call me mama and sometimes mummy as she grew older.

So now I'm going to go kiss that little girl good night and whisper in her ear that I love her.

Mama kisses

Child: "Mama....when did you stop giving your mum kisses?"

Me: "I never did stop giving my mum kisses."

Child: "Mama.....I'm only going to give you kisses when I'm at home or at Grandma's."

Me: "I hope you never stop giving me kisses."

Child: "I never will Mama."

Child: "I love you Mama."

How sweet is that?

And so it happened

The thing that I had most wished for happened.

It has been 3 months since we last saw each other and tonight DC walked into the dance hall and stood there. It took me a minute to realise that he was actually here or rather there.

We talked, admitting that we were both finding it hard to not to touch.

Both his sister and mother are not doing well.

His time is not his own.

After a while, we walked upstairs.

He couldn't stay as he had to drive back up north, again.

To say that it was hard to let go is an understatement.

We both found it hard to separate.

I know that I sounded emotional and he could hear it when I spoke.

And his kiss confused me more than I can say.

I have no idea when I'm going to see him next.

Tonight threw me, my balance went, again.

And I know that once again, it will only be a matter of time before my balance returns.

But for now, as Simply Red once sang, "I'm holding back the tears...."

To follow on.....

I may seem like an old-fashioned romantic to most people but the fact that I still believe in this 'real love' is part of what defines my character.  I am faceted, like love, I have many aspects to me, one of which is my belief in what lies a head.  I do sometimes wobble in this belief, such as after my divorce, but then it gets reconfirmed when dear friends make a commitment to get married.

Beethoven wrote to his 'Immortal Beloved'..."what longing in tears for you - You - my life - my All - farewell.  Oh, go on loving me - never doubt the faith-fullest heart.  Of your beloved.  Ever thine.  Ever mine.  Ever ours."

Even Beethoven believed.

(Love Letters of Great Men)

....in the city

In the inimitable words of Carrie Bradshaw, I got to thinking about relationships last night.

Here we all are, coming to the end of yet another year and for the most part, it was a really good year.  But what is it that I want?

And after watching yet again, the final episode of Sex and the City (for the umpteenth time), it occurred to me that I have a similarity to Carrie.   No it is not my fabulous shoe collection or my incredible wardrobe filled with vintage couture, it is that I too am someone who is looking for love.  It was her final conversation, her speech if you like, to Aleksander the Russian, that has brought about this ruminating about love.  She looked at him and said that she is "someone who is looking for love. Real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can't-live-without-each-other love."

It is also what she says about relationships that resonates within my world, "there are those relationships that open you up to something new and exotic, those that are old and familiar, those that bring up lots of questions, those that bring you somewhere unexpected, those that bring you far from where you started, and those that bring you back. But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you can find someone to love the you you love, well, that's just fabulous." 

I know that this 'real love' is out there, but I also know that it has to be a two way street and not a one-sided thing.  It is multi-faceted and full-bodied and like a good wine, improves with age.

So to ask the question, do I believe in 'real love'?

Abso-fucking-lutely!

(Thanks Big)