Uncertainties.........

I'm starting to feel a bit insecure now.

It has been almost 3 weeks since I last saw my new-ish man, DC, and it will be closer to a month when we're both finally back in London.

What if he doesn't like me anymore?

I think about him often but what if it is a one-way street?

I hate 'what if'.

My time here has thankfully gone very quickly.

I'm very much looking forward to being home agian, sleeping in my own bed, being with my daughter.

I miss her.

This has been a long separation.

It has sometimes been hard.

My 'constant' hasn't been with me.

A Creative Road.....

Walking around the Art Institute, seeing so many familiar things.

Paintings that may have been a part of a traveling exhibit or simply Nighthawks.
I am sitting in front of a painting by Frederick Childe Hassam called Une Averse - rue Bonaparte.
I recognised the street immediately.
For my first visit to Paris when I was 16, my mum and I stayed on Rue Madame, it is around the corner from Rue Bonaparte.
But for me my favourite part of Rue Bonaparte is where it meets Blvd. St. Germain.
It's where Aux Deux Magots is and I have spent many an hour with a Citron Presse, whiling away a spring afternoon, people watching.
Oh joy!

Not here, there....

My Child is currently in Iowa and not Illinois.

I had assumed that my ex would tell me if he were taking Child anywhere.

He claims he sent an email, which I did not receive.

Do emails go astray in this day and age?

When Child told me her location, I had to ask her to repeat it.

I didn't believe what she'd said.

I felt panicked.

Separation anxieties.

She's not in the same city as me.

What if I need her or she needs me?

I know, she has her father with her.

She's ok.

But what about me?

And as my friend pointed out to me, do I tell him every time I leave London?

The answer is yes, especially when we do an overnight.

Maybe I'm not 100%, but we're usually only an hour or two away from home at the most, while he's at least an 8 hour flight.

But here, we're in the same country, no planes required, just a car.

I wonder where his email went?

He said there was more info in it and that he would resend it.

I'm now wondering if he's going to tell me, via email, that they are moving to Iowa.

That's where his wife's family is. Child #2 is on it's way, so maybe she wants to move home to be near her parents. Who knows?

That would then present an interesting situation.

Where would we meet for the 30 days of paternal visitation?

Not in Iowa, that's for sure.

(At least I hope not).

Oh hell......now what?

Jeans Addiction by Osmosis!

No, it's not the latest designer name in high end denim.

It's me admitting and finally succumbing to the addiction so long participated in by two of my dearest friends.

Having never been much of an 'abuser' of anything except my trusty iMac, it came as a big, no HUGE surprise to me, that I could so easily be seduced by the deliciousness of such a wonderful fabric as 'designer' denim.

I spent my youth wearing Levis 501 button down men's jeans, loved them for forever, great memories.....

Then in recent years, partly due to weight gain and lack of funds, I've been buying my denim at Gap, in the sale no less.

I needed new boot cut and straight leg in January, so bought 2 pairs.

I thought to myself, well that will last me a while, at least a year or so.

But NO. That was not to be.

I started dancing and dating, changed my diet and lost 10lbs.

Oh dear, 2 new pairs of jeans bought in April at Gap.

Phew!!

All is good.

End of story??

No, not quite.

Arrived in Chicago for a visit and one of my dear, addicted friends said, 'here I have a couple of jeans for you to try on'.

Citizens of Humanity and AGs.

WOW!!!

I was salivating.

This was almost thrilling.

Dribbling.

A tingle went down my spine.

Heart was palpitating.

Ok, remember to breath.

In for 10 and out for 10.

Quickly removing my 'other' pair, I slip on the first pair of new jeans....COH.

Gosh, what a delight.

A perfect fit.

Then I try the next pair, AGs, a little tight, but that was not going to stop me.

Oh no, I will be strutting around in these babies for a long time to come.

But wait!!!!!!

Yet another pair was to be joyfully donated by addict friend #2, although they originally came to her via addict friend #1.

And who am I to turn down such a generous offering.

So I said yes, to friend #2 and a pair of DoJos by 7 for All Mankind.

They were shorter and so would work well with flat shoes - yippee!!!

Yes, you may call me spoiled or indulged.

But I think that after this visit, I am now well and truly...........

.........addicted to jeans!!!!!!!!!

Thoughts in the shower

Don't worry, they were clean thoughts, lots of shampoo etc......

But I was thinking about what my ex has done for me.

He somehow found my last blog alias, read it and sent me a horrid email, telling me not to write about him and why would people want to read about 'ex-husbands' anyway and NOT to write in too much detail about my Child. Hence a new beginning.

Completely freaked me out, made me shake for hours after reading it.

Felt invaded etc.

But then over a week later, having calmed down a lot, I began to think about all the things I now didn't have to tell him about.

I didn't have to tell him about my new man, he'd read about him and said that he was 'glad' that I'd met someone.

I didn't have to tell him about learning to dance.

And I didn't have to tell him that next time I bring Child to see him, I would not be on tap as the 'babysitter', that he'd have to deal with childcare choices. I was planning on being generous this visit, as his mum had died in late spring, but he took that generosity away when he wrote me the email.

Civility, generosity of spirit, niceness, all those things can come in a two-way street. It doesn't have to just be one-way.

During our last visit, I held up the proverbial olive branch and was pleasant to his wife and then new child. I made an effort that I didn't have to make.

But I feel like now I have to put my kidd gloves back on, at least for a little while.

I feel like I need to reinstate my self-protective measures again.

The flip side of not offering to help with Child during this visit, is that I am actually having a break. As I've said in a previous post, I've been able to take dance classes, a lap dancing class, tomorrow a pole class, next week more Tango.

I am able to spend lots of quality time with my dear friend, who is without her boys too, for a week. Not to mention all the other friends and family that are available for lunches/visits.

The sun is sometimes shining here, so hopefully this afternoon, you'll find us lying on a beach with a book and our iPods, rotating in the hot sun, as if on a spit.

Shall I dance?

Yesterday, I woke up feeling incredibly nervous.

I woke up with mild butterflies and I had them all day.

The only thing that I can think that would cause this, is me being taken out of my comfort zone.

The Windy City seems to have a nice array of dance classes.

So on Sunday, my friend and I went to a beginners West Coast Swing/Hustle class.

I was so nervous.

Did the class and then it was freestyle.

Oh no, who would I dance with?

Would anyone want to dance with me.

I felt like I was on a mission.

I needed to learn WCS.

My New Man (NM) could dance this style and was forever trying to teach me and I'd get so frustrated at not being able to 'get it'.

So I needed to come home with at least the basics under my belt.

That being said, the class was simple enough and I managed to grab a teacher or two for a practice.

But the whole thing was so different from my normal dancing.

The room was much lighter and there were a lot fewer people, but overall, they were very friendly and helpful.

I'm going to pluck up my courage and go again next Sunday.

Last night, was another class, this time it was the Tango.

It was in a little cafe called The Ritz Tango Cafe.

Our teacher for the night, was a wonderfully charismatic man called Jorge (please pronounce with a Spanish accent).

He had a twinkle in his eye and a spring in his step.

He flirted, without being lewd, never stepping beyond the boundaries of decency.

My friend and I did the beginners class for an hour and then he invited us to participate in the next level.

It was fantastic.

Again, everyone was so friendly.

Questions were asked and answered.

It was a small, intimate environment and with tango music playing, it felt very atmospheric.

I loved it.

I want more.

I'm going to sign up for a level 1 & 2 class next Monday night in Tango.

I'm so glad that I brought my sparkly dancing shoes, they are certainly getting a work out!!

At this rate, I'm going to go back to London a 'dancing queen'!!!!

Permission or ego

One of the things that is bothering me about having a 'permissions' only blog, is that no-one will randomly be able to read it.

I like having feedback.

Comments become like a conversation.

Yes its affirmation, but it's also like having a review.

It can sometimes be like having an 'editor'.

Just wrote a laborious post about 'x, y & z'.....people will sometimes pick a particular paragraph or subject that was written about.

This, at least for me, can lead to another post.

I'm not sure that this is to do with having an overgrown ego, more that it is a learning process and my readers come up with the 'corrections'.

Oh what a rambling, short post, hope it makes some sense.

Fear

One of my greatest fears is that I'll wake up one day and find that I cannot walk or move.

I saw Julie/Julia this afternoon, after which I stood up and my right ankle hurt.

I had no memory of doing anything to it.

But having been a 'mover' my whole life, the thought of not being able to even walk normally, scares the hell out of me.

I had a serious fall from a horse just 2 months before my wedding. I was knocked out and had a soft fracture in my right hip. Due to the concussion, I lost 4 hours of my life, but the hip healed.

My trainer at the time, who is now my friend, likes to remind me of the conversations that we had during that time, repetitively.

But being incapacitated is no laughing matter.

This is the only body I have and I need to keep it fairly strong and healthy.

I think that I'm doing ok on the healthy part, I just need to keep the bones and muscles intact.

It is all such a work in progress.

Renewal

Cocoon has been broken.

Cracks have formed.

Crevices develop and enlarge.

An abyss below or an infinite sky above.

To jump, plummet to the dismal depths.

Or soar, wings spread.

Free like a bird.

Picking up a windy current.

Glide through the air.

No thought to the destination.

The journey is everything.

Solo

First night without Child.
My heart-strings are being pulled tugged at.
Handed her over to ex late this afternoon, later than expected, though not surprising.
Child was very excited and happy to go with him.
Wouldn't have had it any other way.
Not sure when I'm going to see her again, which is a strange feeling. And odd realisation that it could be more then just a few days.
Sort of left me with a funny taste in my mouth.
But I am fairly determined to let him sort out the child-care arrangements.
He expects us to be here for a certain amount of time, so that he can see Child, then he also needs to do his part. I've delivered Child, now let him sort out his own scheduling.
Enough said on that subject.
This blog is not meant to be about him, but about me, about my thoughts and expectations, likes and dislikes, surprises and everyday happenings.
So on that note, I'm moving right along......

An unknown path

Having just created a new blog, I now feel the need, no urge, to write again.

I am just a tad renewed.
I'm using an old alias from decades ago.
During my travels in my late teens and early twentys, I penned under the name of LuLu.
Wherever I went, some sort of writing was always written. Sometimes a missive (thanks Pops), sometimes a poem, or sometimes simply random thoughts.
So this is where the inspiration for my newest incarnation comes from.
Lets see where it will lead.

A, B, C etc.....

And here's to a new chapter in my writing.