a lightbulb moment or in his words 'aha'.....

Friday turned out to be one of 'those' days.

A day with a 'light bulb' moment.

In fact it was just a moment.

At the end of the day, I met with my new tutor, an existential psychotherapist.

I had asked to speak with him as I had concerns and wondered if he could furnish with me with any helpful hints as to how to move forward.

We discussed reading techniques, low self esteem, transference, bullying, analysis, beginnings and ended with legacies.

I definitely got more than a therapy hour.

a tad bit early but....

I feel slightly hysterical at the moment, having just gone to 4 open house evening at 4 very different secondary schools.  

The summer disappeared very quickly and my daughter went back to school, very happily I might add. But the 3 free weeks that I had before I went back to my studies ended up being too short, they simply vanished.  

And there I was, listening to everyone talk about which secondary schools they were going to view and whether or not to move closer, just to be in the catchment.  Sadly, I am not in a position to move just to make a school choice easier.  Also, who knows where I will be next year in terms of my work and that particular schedule, so that being said, I decided to look at all fairly local schools but 2 private ones (just for the hell of it).  Bad mistake going to the public schools first before the state schools.  Now my child has a firm favourite.

We are going to one more school and then we will be done for the year.  It was strange seeing my daughter talking with the 'student ambassadors' today.  She looked so grown up and confident.  It was that scary insight into the future.  This could be where she could spend her formative teenage years. 

One strange thing is that a friend of mine had an awful time at the school we went to tonight, but I really liked it.  While she really liked the school I went to, but I had a hideous time there.

Individual lives and choices.

Between a rock and hard place...

As a parent, how do I manage my almost 9 year old daughter's anxieties about flying alone for 4 hours? My heart is breaking.

Her father made a move further away and now wants my little girl to fly as an unaccompanied minor with a chaperone for the first time to his new home for the first time.

My problem is that she doesn't know this new place and for the first visit, he should be with her all the way.

So what can I do to alleviate some of her worries?

How do I make it special and not scary?

And how do I resolve my worries about the whole thing?

Needing an exit

I'm sitting here not all together sure how I'm feeling.

Tears threatened all the way home, making the drive difficult.

It had taken a while to bring my heart rate back down and to relax, eventually somewhat enjoying the evening.

But it's been twice and it is still painful.

Do I treat it as therapy that I have to 'work through'?

Is it meant to be cathartic?

Or am I supposed to chalk it up to experience?

Whatever.....I am left feeling very sad, again.

Yes....I am still here!

I know it's been ages since I've actually managed to write anything and this post will be no exception.

I just quickly want to say that I have now completed my second year of my degree.

And to be honest, I did not think that I would make it through.

This 2nd year has been brutal.

Horrid.

Vile.

Not to be repeated.

But with any luck, because that's what it will take, hopefully I will pass all four of this year's modules.  Or at least scrape through, probably by the skin of my teeth.

So fingers crossed!

Part 2 from a long time ago......29th October 2011

Back at the end of October last year, I wrote a short post about a random happening.  It involved the actor, Neil Morrissey and the Piccadilly line tube.  Well he had a friend with him, whom I knew was an actor too but for the life of me, I couldn't remember his name.
(Overcome with complete infatuation for Mr. Morrissey)
But sitting here tonight, watching Silent Witness (fantastic programme), I found myself face to face with the 'other' actor.  He turns out to be called Adrian Dunbar.
Well Mr. Dunbar has a wonderful CV and fabulous taste in shirts and watches!!!!

Silent Sunday - Shard

Silent Sunday

Friday 13th April

I can't believe that I managed to schedule my return trip on such a day and now I'm wishing I hadn't.

I had to get up at 4am, leave at 4.30am to get to the bus station for the 6.15am coach.  Except that the man who sold me the ticket gave me an evening coach and not the morning one.  So I missed the morning coach which was really at 5.45am.  In fact, I saw it leaving as I arrived at the coach station.

So I waited and drank cappuccinos.  Not my favourite coffee, but what was I supposed to do?  I made the most of it and tried to relax.

At 8am, I got on the coach.

2 1/2 hours later I got off the coach and ran for a taxi.

I arrived at the airport at 10.55am.

Check in closed at 11am.

I got to the gate at 11.10am.

Boarding was at 11.20am.

And the flight was scheduled to depart at 11.45am.

It was late taking off, but oh well.

We landed only a few minutes later than scheduled.

I turned on my phone but it didn't work.

I went through customs/passport control and waited for my suitcase.

And waited.

And waited.

Along with about 25 other people.

Finally, we ask what has happened and apparently all our luggage is still at the departure airport.

We had to fill out a report form.  It would take 2 days to get the bags to the UK and then a courier would deliver them.

Ok, so then next I went to the train, asked an official man what train I'd need. He told me but forgot to mention to get a certain one.  So I bought the wrong ticket for the wrong train that stopped everywhere before having me change to a different train.  I was able to swap tickets for a direct train.

Got off at my stop, thinking I'd take a bus all the way to my front door, but no.....there was 'work' being done and the stop was a 10 minute walk away.  So I ended up taking 2 buses.  My phone was still not working and I needed it, in case the airline rang about my suitcase.

I stayed on the bus, went past my house and on to the mobile phone shop.

Almost cried telling them my story but they checked my old phone from head to toe and yes, it was indeed broken.  Crap!!!

One upgrade and a new contract later and I'm finally heading home to see my little girl and my mum.

Having started my journey at 4.30am, I arrived home at 5.50pm.

Oh what a day.

And not one I want to repeat any time soon.

A definite Friday the 13th experience.

Silent Sunday

Silent Sunday - far....far....away.....

A life less ordinary....

As I was walking along my local high street and past the local Clarks, who should I see coming out but James McAvoy and his wife.  Not two minutes later, I'm at the lights waiting for the 'green' man when Clive Owen crosses in front of me and goes into the local Starbucks.

Just another ordinary day in my local neighbourhood.

New sensation

Over the last couple of months, I have noticed a change happening on my placement.

I am starting to be seen as if I am a real professional and not simply a student.

I had my second observation a couple of weeks ago and my assessor commented that the service users looked to me as the working professional.

Today, I had an interview for some additional volunteering and came away feeling as if I might be able to contribute something.

I am building the bricks to expand my potential network for a career path.

This is new and strange territory for me.

Very exciting stuff.

Silent Sunday - can you guess where I was?

Not so silent sunday Mother's Day...

I was woken up rather too early today by two very loud little girls.

My daughter had her best friend staying over last night.  Both girls slept well but my guess is that they woke up at the crack of dawn.

I was aware of them opening my door periodically, checking to see if I was awake yet.

My daughter's friend is lovely but VERY loud.

There was no way I was getting a lie in this morning.

When I went out to the living room, they had prepared Mother's Day cards, breakfast (albeit soggy cereal) and a couple of presents.  It was so touching.

I had not expected any of this.  It was really lovely.

This little note and the heart rug were strategically placed for me to find/trip over.

Silent Sunday

Silent Sunday on fire

Silent Sunday

Silent Sunday

Silent Sunday

Silent Sunday

Silent Snowy Sunday

Lower the expectation

I woke up feeling confident, not that I was going to get a glowing report but because I felt like I knew what I wanted to contribute to the meeting.  I had all the necessary bits of paper and some, just in case pieces too. 

I was the first person to arrive at work, which gave me a moment to breath.  Last night, I had a moment of panic about what was required for this meeting and so I sent out a few texts to friends just to clarify.  I didn’t want to forget anything.  I then emailed myself all the various documents that might be needed.  I went to bed feeling, if nothing else, prepared.

I was a few minutes early for meeting my PA and so I sat with my Sherwood Diary reading over the various Acts and Legislations relating to my work. I am trying to utilise this as a learning tool, for although the information is brief, it is concise and accurate.

My PA arrived and we went off to the meeting with my tutor, JD.

As the door to the office closed behind us, I felt my little bit of confidence seep away.  I knew I was struggling, but now I had to say it out loud in front of 2 people that I had great respect for.  All the outside stuff that was happening with my daughter and other things was beginning to chip away at me.  This meeting suddenly felt daunting.

I know that my expectations of myself are high and I think this is what is making me come undone.  Between my tears, we talked about the need to see progress.  The next month or so will be my proving ground.  I need to start feeling confident that I can do this.  We talked about my holding back.  My PA said that she felt I was ‘reserved’ in my writing.

When I got back to work, BB asked me a difficult question.  He asked, “Do you believe in yourself?”

My answer today, was “no”.

Today’s 3-way meeting was hugely constructive and deconstructive all at the same time.

Heard it through the grapevine

A funny thing happened on the way home.  I was sitting on the bus when a girl from my daughter's class got on with her sister.  This happened to be girl B, a girl that I'd written about in a post from last June 2011, I had talked about the possibility that my daughter was being bullied.  

Today, girl B told me that girl A had threatened to 'beat up' my daughter and that she was 'shocked' that I didn't know about it.  I was shocked to be hearing this from a 9 year old child, as she was talking to me as if she were an adult.  But actually I was more worried to hear about the threatening behaviour towards my daughter and that I didn't know about it.  Was this really happening?  Or was this a fanciful story from girl B?  l

When I got home, I immediately rang the school and asked to speak to Mr PB.  He was in a meeting but I left a VERY long message with one of the lovely office staff, saying in no uncertain terms that if I didn't hear from Mr PB today, I would be at the school tomorrow morning to discuss this with him.  I wanted to know more about what was going on.  Mr PB rang me back at 6.05pm.  He said that there had been an incident between child A and my daughter last week, but it had been dealt with.  He had put child A on the behaviour scale (not sure if that is like an older version of the 'traffic light'), as there had been another spate today.  At home time, my daughter had found not very nice messages in her pencil case, pieces of paper saying "poo".  Having listened to all of this, I asked Mr PB why he hadn't thought to let me know about what had been happening?  Did he not think it pertinent enough to warrant a phone call?  He promised to investigate and to call me with what he finds out.

Later sobbing on the phone to my dear friend, I cursed my ex-husband for putting me in this situation.  He has no idea what this is like, trying to raise a child by yourself, with no partner to share the difficulties with.  Sometimes I am so angry with him.  My dad always used to say that life is not fair.  But bloody hell, this is just a bit too unfair at times.

My lovely daughter (yes today she is lovely) came home, got into her pijamas and cuddled with me on the couch.  She is now sleeping peacefully in her room, oblivious to the anxieties that I am currently feeling.  I hope that this is just a bit of mischief and that it will all blow over, but what if it isn't?  What if this follows her through to secondary school?  Is this going to become a generational pattern?

I hope for her sake, that she continues in the confident, happy vein that she is in and grows up without these particular worries.

Silent Sunday

Silent Sunday - oh those *@%$* paparazzi!

Parallel universe?

I went dancing last night and bumped into my friend Dan and his girlfriend, Amanda.  I think I'd last seen them before Christmas when I had just had a couple of dates with a man from Stoke Newington.  They asked how it went and had there been more subsequent dates.  I told them the dates were really nice, but absolutely no chemistry, so no more dates.

Feeling rather pathetic about the whole thing, I told them that I was losing hope in meeting someone and that I wasn't even sure that there was anyone out there for me.

And that was when Dan turned to me and said, "he is out there, he is just in a parallel universe."

I looked at him in slight disbelief at the use of the word 'parallel'.

And he explained himself.

He and Amanda had been dancing at the same venue, on the same night for a year before they met.

He said that my 'Mr Right' was probably at the same venue as me, just in a different or parallel space and that our paths hadn't crossed yet.

It made me wonder.......

Is there some truth to this?

Is it really simply a matter of being in the right place at the right time?

Silent Sunday

Great expectations

And I'm not talking about Charles Dickens.

When I first came back to London, I thought "wow! what a great opportunity for my brother to spend some quality time with his niece."  

Yes they both love each other and enjoy spending time with each other.

But from very early on, I realised that he would not be volunteering his time.  He doesn't offer to take her out for an afternoon, or babysit one evening, although he does do this if I ask him to.

So when I needed pick-up/ballet cover for Friday afternoons, I asked him.  I gave him almost 2 months notice and he said he would schedule it at work.  He told me he finished at 2.  I said that was perfect.

Today as he was passing by my house, I asked him to pick up the spare keys for this Friday.

Unfortunately it turns out that he can't help me because:

a) he finishes at 3, and

b) he's on his bicycle.

Obviously I was seriously pissed off, but I quietly told him not to worry, that it was my problem to solve and not his.

It looks like I'll have to take the next 3 Friday afternoons off.

Not sure my work will be very happy.


Were my expectations set too high?

The first grumble of the new year

My poor neighbour.  I bumped into a lovely neighbour who I often see out and about.  Typically we stand and chat for about 10 minutes or so about this, that and the other.  But today my thoughts were in a funk and so she got a conversation full of "why me?"

So why me?  Why am I finding it so difficult to meet a decent man?  Am I setting my sights too high?  Should I compromise?  How do I carry on believing that there is someone out there for me?  I've been home for 6 1/2 years and in all that time, I don't think any of my friends or their husbands have managed to put forward even an unworthy candidate.  I'm not expecting them to find me a partner, but possible suggestions would be appreciated.  Except that what I'm finding after talking with my friends, is that there appears to be a shortage of single men.  My neighbour even said this and added that she only knew one single man and felt that he was sort of asexual.  Not a good recommendation.

I have tried using dating websites and had no success, not even flirty texts/emails.  I have two dates and then nothing, or there are long conversations with no mention of meeting up.  
Of course I am feeling all this right after New Year's Eve, when everyone around me is cuddling up to their partner/husband.  I don't want to spend another year's end like this last one.  I want to be able to co-host dinner parties, or go on dates with other couples.  I want to share the joy of seeing that gorgeous sunset when driving through Hampstead Heath.  I want all of that and more, but I feel like I'm running out of options.  

So what do I do next?

I wish someone would take my lack of relationship in hand and sort it out for me.

Wouldn't it be great if there was someone out there who took a time to get to know me and then did all the leg work for me, sorting out potential partners from time wasters.

How ideal would that be, eh?

A sad time for so many

It seems that while people are celebrating Christmas and ringing in the New Year, others are mourning the loss of a loved one.
In a post I wrote in late November, I talked about my friend's mother-in-law and also about a man who had been blogging his way through his treatment.  Sadly both of these people have lost their struggle to live.
And so it is with a heavy heart that I raise a glass in their honour.


“Nature never repeats herself, and the possibilities of one human soul will never be found in another.” ― Elizabeth Cady Stanton 

Silent Sunday - not so much