I am currently wondering if I am a 'good enough mother' or simply not.
These rough days that I am having with my daughter feel like they're increasing in frequency.
And I have been noticing that I have been having a sense of panic. I'm not sure that it isn't just bits of anxiety but whatever I'm feeling, it is making my heart pound.
I can't bare that I am such a shouty mummy. I don't know what has happened to my ability to communicate. This is my daughter, should I not be able to speak with her? Perhaps I need to listen better or listen more. Sometimes when she starts being sarcastic or full of attitude, I feel my frustration growing and I need to walk away. She contradicts everything I say, or she says that she already knows, or she starts raising her voice. I stop responding because I don't want to shout. Sometimes she lashes out at me, tries to hit me or to kick me. All I can tell her is that she will hurt herself more than she will hurt me, which she invariably does. This in turn does hurt me because I can't bare to see in this pain or this anguish.
It is when she works herself into a stew, she gets so angry, she screams at me that she hates me, that I hate her and that I am going to leave her. I keep telling her that I don't hate her, that I love her and that I am not leaving her. I don't know what else to say to her. Where does this rage come from? I do wonder how much of this is to do with her father not being her, with his moving to a different city without any warning. I wonder how much this has to do with him having another family, more children that live with him, have his attention and his time. I feel like I'm completely letting her and myself down, as a mother, I feel like I'm failing. I often ask myself whether I'm not to hard on her. Should I make more allowances for her? She is only almost 8, but then when does that stop? How do I know when what I'm asking of her is at the right time for her age and for her maturity? Why do I not feel strong enough to cope with this? I'm having time off at the moment, so why do I feel so stressed? I wish that there was someone else here to share all this with. Not to take over when I fall down, but just to support me when I wobbly and I feel like I'm wobbling at the moment. I've said it before, but it is so hard sometimes, having this responsibility for another person, a person so dependent on me to make the right decisions, or the best decisions. But what if I pick the wrong path to go down? Then what?
