A whole other slant on the matter......

Ok, so after speaking with a dear friend, I have just had my life put into perspective.
A mutual friend has just found out that her husband has been having an affair.
What had been a strong marriage with two beautiful children, has just disintegrated.
A family life has been shattered.

What to do next?
How to move forward?
What steps to take to make it all better?
Can it get better?
Time will be the teller of this tale.
And on that note, I'll end this post with a heavy heart.

Pebble on a beach

Almost 8 million people live in London.
How is it then possible that I felt incredibly lonely today?
My daughter was spending the day with a friend and I had been looking forward to having a day to myself. To be able to complete some of my long list of 'to do' things that needed doing before we left on our trips.
But as I sat at my table making a photo album of a friend's wedding, I noticed that my heart had begun to race. I looked at all the happy faces from that wonderful day and missed my friends. This lead me to wonder why I was feeling lonely. I think it is because there is a component missing from my life, from the set-up of my life. I think that I need to be within a proper partnership, a family unit, me, my child and my partner. It's not just about having a boyfriend. I'm beginning to think that that isn't enough for me. I want more.
I do want a commitment and I want it with DC. But I want him to want it too. I know that this relationship is going at a slow rate, but it's not just me and my 'baggage', it is also about his. He has emotional issues left-over from his ex and how she treated him. He has the material stuff in the form of joint property and he has his incredible pull of duty towards his mother and sister. And don't even get me started on his new work.
The question is, is where do I fit in? Is there a space for me in his life? I still feel that he is 100% present when he is with me. But then there is a huge chasm when he is not. It is almost as if he has fallen into an abyss, with communication becoming non-existent for a few days before resuming again.
He talks about the impact that I have made in his life. About the impression that I have made on him, about it being 'more than I would know'. He talks about my views as being 'refreshing'. He jokes about being able to understand Yiddish now, or at least recognize it.
We are openly tactile in front of my child, holding hands, having arms around each other. She enjoys him and asks that he be the reader of the bedtime story.
So with all that being said, why is it that on occasion, such as today, I feel so lonely?

Experiencing the experience

As I get nearer and nearer to my 42nd birthday, I find myself ruminating on what it's all about.
And really its more a question of determining what the 'it' actually is.
I find that this year, I'm not that interested in gathering all my various friends together for a drink or something to eat. I feel like I need a break from organising things, as that seems to have been all I've done the past 10 months with college.
I know that my friends are my friends and that they're not going anyway. So whether I see them this week or next month, it won't change the friendship.
But what has been wafting through my thoughts has been to do with what I can experience in my life. I have just successfully managed to pass a 10 months intensive Access course, it was tough but worth it. I have been enjoying my man for the past year. My daughter and I are going to Austria in August.

This has nothing to do with excitement, rather more to do with mental stimulation. It's all about the exposure to other places, people, smells, food, life. It is not about the material things. I don't need 'things'. I have enough of whatever I need to get me through my daily existence. But what I sometimes crave are the new sensations that add a richness to my life. That can expand my life tapestry, creating more colour and dimension, giving it a greater depth of variety. Its about tasting the flavour of living amply and in full measure.

Lady of leisure

I can hardly believe it and yes, I keep pinching myself to make sure that I'm not dreaming.
But I have actually finished my Access course.
The long, dark tunnel that I found myself in after Easter, has finally come to an end.
I have completed ALL the assignments with the desired grades.
I even achieved a few merits and ONE distinction.
So here I am, patting myself on the back.
It feels quite strange not having any homework to do and not being under any pressure.
I feel oddly light and have a sense of freedom about me.
There is no need for me to rush or race about.
I have 2 and 1/2 months off to do whatever I feel like.
I am now able to catch up on all the blogs that I haven't had time to read and to possibly even write a few of my own.
I know I need to make the most of this time as the next 3 years are likely to be a mad as the last 10 months or worse.
But it's the end result that counts. I have a goal in mind and a direction to follow.
So, onwards and upwards.

Lazing on a Sunday afternoon....

Except that it was Saturday morning, after the night before.

It had been a beautiful evening with DC.

We went out for a meal and then caught the last hour and a half of dancing.

Neither of us were feeling the 'groove'. I felt like I was out of practice.

But by the end of the evening, with a few good dances behind us, very hot and sweaty, we headed home.

Earlier before we had set out, he said to me "the reality of the situation is....."

"Ok, what?"

"....is that I can stay the night."

What can I say, I was quietly excited. It had been a while since both our schedules coincided like this and to add to it, neither of us had anywhere to be until almost midday.

To us, being able to spend more than a few hours together was a luxury.

We eventually went to sleep, slightly cuddling.

It was the end of a long and final week of college for me and I was exhausted.

Being with DC was the perfect tonic for me.

I fell quickly asleep, knowing that I would sleep more than him.

Sure enough, I woke up a few times, opening my eyes, only to see him watching me with a smile.

He likes watching me sleep, watching me breath, being peaceful.

And I like waking up next to him, feeling his warmth, his strong arms wrapping around me as I roll in to him.

We made tea and coffee and brought it back to the bed. The French doors were open, the sun was shining and a gentle breeze was blowing as we sat there listening to the morning bird song.

I wished we could have stayed there for longer, but reality set back in and we eventually got ready for the rest of the day.

To say that I am besotted is an understatement.
Smitten.

Continuation of conformity...

I find that it's very hard not to conform in some way or another.
And trust me when I say that I have tried...not to that is.
I noticed it hugely when I lived in America. All the properties that I looked at to buy, were amazingly similar, right down to the granite in the kitchen. This was not limited to house buying but also to high street shops selling clothes. Everything seemed to have a sameness about it. There is so much choice but it is all so very similar. It follows the trend and it has so much to do with the consumer society that we are surrounded by. Its the quietly invisible peer pressure of the various circles that we move in.

It's our children in the playground, coming home with the latest 'hip' word, wanting to be the same as their friends. Fundamentally, we are all pack animals with our alpha males and females leading the way, while the rest of us 'sheep' fall into line and conform. It is the pied piper that leads us away from our explorative, edgy selves, to a more uniform existence.

It's what we do with our conformity that counts and how we make it work for us, for our bohemian selves. It's the exploration of our creativity, the spreading of our wings, that allows us to push those proverbial boundaries, that changes the norm into the boho, going far out into the left field.
So take those steps...