Almost 8 million people live in London.
How is it then possible that I felt incredibly lonely today?
My daughter was spending the day with a friend and I had been looking forward to having a day to myself. To be able to complete some of my long list of 'to do' things that needed doing before we left on our trips.
But as I sat at my table making a photo album of a friend's wedding, I noticed that my heart had begun to race. I looked at all the happy faces from that wonderful day and missed my friends. This lead me to wonder why I was feeling lonely. I think it is because there is a component missing from my life, from the set-up of my life. I think that I need to be within a proper partnership, a family unit, me, my child and my partner. It's not just about having a boyfriend. I'm beginning to think that that isn't enough for me. I want more.
I do want a commitment and I want it with DC. But I want him to want it too. I know that this relationship is going at a slow rate, but it's not just me and my 'baggage', it is also about his. He has emotional issues left-over from his ex and how she treated him. He has the material stuff in the form of joint property and he has his incredible pull of duty towards his mother and sister. And don't even get me started on his new work.
The question is, is where do I fit in? Is there a space for me in his life? I still feel that he is 100% present when he is with me. But then there is a huge chasm when he is not. It is almost as if he has fallen into an abyss, with communication becoming non-existent for a few days before resuming again.
He talks about the impact that I have made in his life. About the impression that I have made on him, about it being 'more than I would know'. He talks about my views as being 'refreshing'. He jokes about being able to understand Yiddish now, or at least recognize it.
We are openly tactile in front of my child, holding hands, having arms around each other. She enjoys him and asks that he be the reader of the bedtime story.
So with all that being said, why is it that on occasion, such as today, I feel so lonely?
How is it then possible that I felt incredibly lonely today?
My daughter was spending the day with a friend and I had been looking forward to having a day to myself. To be able to complete some of my long list of 'to do' things that needed doing before we left on our trips.
But as I sat at my table making a photo album of a friend's wedding, I noticed that my heart had begun to race. I looked at all the happy faces from that wonderful day and missed my friends. This lead me to wonder why I was feeling lonely. I think it is because there is a component missing from my life, from the set-up of my life. I think that I need to be within a proper partnership, a family unit, me, my child and my partner. It's not just about having a boyfriend. I'm beginning to think that that isn't enough for me. I want more.
I do want a commitment and I want it with DC. But I want him to want it too. I know that this relationship is going at a slow rate, but it's not just me and my 'baggage', it is also about his. He has emotional issues left-over from his ex and how she treated him. He has the material stuff in the form of joint property and he has his incredible pull of duty towards his mother and sister. And don't even get me started on his new work.
The question is, is where do I fit in? Is there a space for me in his life? I still feel that he is 100% present when he is with me. But then there is a huge chasm when he is not. It is almost as if he has fallen into an abyss, with communication becoming non-existent for a few days before resuming again.
He talks about the impact that I have made in his life. About the impression that I have made on him, about it being 'more than I would know'. He talks about my views as being 'refreshing'. He jokes about being able to understand Yiddish now, or at least recognize it.
We are openly tactile in front of my child, holding hands, having arms around each other. She enjoys him and asks that he be the reader of the bedtime story.
So with all that being said, why is it that on occasion, such as today, I feel so lonely?
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