Distraction

I have handed my child over to her father.
It is done.
I won't see her now until next Wednesday.
7 whole days!
Already I am missing her presence.
She has such a sweet smile.
It is at this point in the visit, the beginning, that I worry about her.
She hasn't been well and I wish that we hadn't had to travel, but we did.
Thankfully, she perked up and became more like her normal self.
But I do worry.
Somewhere in the back of my mind, I worry that she won't come back to me.
I know it's irrational, but it is a fear.
I do my best to distract myself from it.
And I am fortunate to have dear friends and family around me, continuously helping me with this distraction.
And tonight?
My first solo night, I'm off for 'grown up' sushi with child's godmama.
A good distraction.

conflicting thoughts

I'm not really sure what I want to say in this post, more that I want to ruminate on bits that have been floating around my mind. I think I'll start with talking about DC, my not-so-new man.
I am definitely liking him a lot, which is no secret. In fact, he tells me the same, but getting a bit frustrated at the same time. It's been my bone of contention for a while now, the gaps of communication between dates. He referred to himself as being like an onion (I thought more like an artichoke with a heart at the centre), full of layers which I was slowly peeling away. Apparently this doesn't happen with many people, he's a very private man. He talks more frequently about his family, work and his thoughts, but it's the spaces in between that I'm not handling very well. This relationship (his words) has been going on for almost nine months and I want a bit more. But I'm finding it hard to ask for more right now, as his mum has gone back to being critical with her health. I want to say to him that he needs to show me that sometimes I'm a priority, not his work and occasionally not his family, just me. But that is confrontational and as a friend suggested, am I worried by a negative outcome? No, I don't think I am, but at the same time I don't want to add to his pressure. He calls me his 'luxury' and the way I feel when with him surpasses the frustrations. He rang this afternoon, asking if I still needed help with my laptop. It was 4.30pm and my child was running around like a mad thing. He was up for it. He watched her, talked with her, played with her, taught her a few dance moves, she taught him a few dance moves and at bed-time, she requested he read her a story. I found it so heart-warming to see. He seemed relaxed and at ease with it all. They both seemed to enjoy the evening. Unfortunately he had to leave suddenly. It's hard watching him wait. I remember the waiting when my dad was ill. The end is always inevitable, coming when it comes. It has it's own schedule and doesn't always happen at a convenient time. I wish there was something that I could say or do, something more that might ease the coming moment.

Independence Day!

Life is not fair.
This is something that my father used to say on a regular basis to us children.
A few days ago, my ex rang to talk with Child and as the conversation progressed, he started talking about the future. He mentioned Disney. I took the phone and asked him what he was talking about.
"Oh I want to come over and visit as I haven't been for a couple of years (more like 3 but whose counting). I want to see Child's school and I thought I'd take Child on a cruise and let Mickey take care of the other 2."
"Is this part of your official 'time' with Child or as well as?" (Fair question I thought).
"Don't start this again, I get 'X' amount of time. We went through all this last year. This will be as well as." All this was said in a slightly raised, exasperated and sarcastic voice.
My heckles were raised and I felt a bit panicky. He talks as if he has me over a barrel.
I stopped the conversation and gave the phone back to Child.
I was not going to get into this discussion with Child sitting right there.
But it left me with a strange taste in my mouth.
I rang my dear friend and left a message reiterating all this.
She rang back and asked why I wasn't excited by the prospect of having time off, after all, I am full time mum, I get the occasional night to myself but most of the time it is 24/7. She questioned whether I wasn't slightly envious of the fact that he could spend money and take her away, do something fun with her.
Having received this message, I sat there for a while and reflected.
You know what?
I think she was right.
I do wish that I could afford to take Child on holidays to new places, instead any spare cash I have goes on tickets to take her to see her dad (legally obligated!).
I think one of the things that bothered me about all this, is that didn't ring to ask about any plans that might already be in place. His are always demands and not requests. I would like him to be more courteous, unfortunately I think its too late for this leopard to change it's spots.
But I am also pissed off with him for not being more forth coming about paying for every day things for Child, like swimming lessons.
So yes, spending lots of cash on a frivolous holiday does slightly upset me.
And I hate that it always comes down to money, he has it and I don't.
But I have Child, who enriches my life more than he will ever know.
I long for the day that I can take whatever money he gives me for my Child, stick it into a savings account and not actually NEED it.
Independence, that's my goal.

One liner!!

Struggling with her puzzle, my child suddenly says in a rather grown-up and exasperated voice, "mummy, this is making me go round the houses!"

Not-so-nice-mummy!

There are days when the best part of the day is waking up.
Today is one such day.
So far.
It started off as a lovely, sunny Sunday morning.
Child let me sleep in until 8.15am, in reality that was actually only 7.15am, as I'd forgotten to put the clocks back.
We had lovely snuggles, she had breakfast and then I went back to bed with my coffee and Wednesday's paper, while Child did some drawing with the telly on.
Managed to get a quick call into my auntie and my sister and then that's when the 'nice' part of the day ended.
Admittedly I did have 1 1/2 hours of quality.
But Child has been rubbing her left eye and it's very sore looking. She tries to not rub it with her hand, but then uses a dry tissue or t-shirt sleeve, sort of defeats the purpose of 'not' rubbing it.
I needed to put eye drops in it.
Would she let me?
No.
I kept trying and kept missing.
And she kept giggling.
Was this a game?
No.
Did she want her eye to feel better?
Yes.
Ok, then lie still.
She wriggled more, as I got more frustrated and then became 'shouty' mummy.
Horrible shouty mummy!
It all escalated, I couldn't reign myself in.
I know I'm tired from college, from work, from dancing, from doing too much, from not having a proper break.
I felt like I was in a downward spiral.
Until I stopped and said, enough.
I was going let her make her own choice, while I had a few minutes in my room.
She hates it when I close my door and sees it as rejection, not as me having my own space.
Her tears started and so did mine.
Horrid.
Finally, she lies down, stops moving, stops pushing my hand away and I get one good drop in the afflicted eye.
What a bloody nightmare.
I feel crappy and have a headache creeping in.
Suddenly my phone chirps with a message, a friend will be in the playground with her kids and would we like to meet them there.
Oh hell yes!
Child perks up and as if by magic, everything is all fine and forgotten.
Teeth are quickly cleaned and off we go.
Unfortunately she wants her scooter, to which the answer is no.
So then another round of stamping feet and huffing ensue.
This slowly disappears as we get nearer to the playground.
Once inside she runs off to join her friends and I sit down next to my friend.
Collapsing on her shoulder, tears come again and I ask her if she'll have Child for the afternoon.
Bless her, she says yes.
I'm given time for a reprieve and to retrieve my torn emotions.
Once home, I go into Izzy Stephens mode and start my short-term therapy.
Baking.
And here I am, about to finish the newspaper on my bed with a cup of coffee.
Isn't that where I started the day?

Not here, there....

My Child is currently in Iowa and not Illinois.

I had assumed that my ex would tell me if he were taking Child anywhere.

He claims he sent an email, which I did not receive.

Do emails go astray in this day and age?

When Child told me her location, I had to ask her to repeat it.

I didn't believe what she'd said.

I felt panicked.

Separation anxieties.

She's not in the same city as me.

What if I need her or she needs me?

I know, she has her father with her.

She's ok.

But what about me?

And as my friend pointed out to me, do I tell him every time I leave London?

The answer is yes, especially when we do an overnight.

Maybe I'm not 100%, but we're usually only an hour or two away from home at the most, while he's at least an 8 hour flight.

But here, we're in the same country, no planes required, just a car.

I wonder where his email went?

He said there was more info in it and that he would resend it.

I'm now wondering if he's going to tell me, via email, that they are moving to Iowa.

That's where his wife's family is. Child #2 is on it's way, so maybe she wants to move home to be near her parents. Who knows?

That would then present an interesting situation.

Where would we meet for the 30 days of paternal visitation?

Not in Iowa, that's for sure.

(At least I hope not).

Oh hell......now what?