Failing and flailing

Today was a day when I felt like both.

I felt disheartened at college as so many around me had received letters giving them interview dates, when so far I had none.

Sounding rather petty (yes I will admit to it), I wondered why I hadn't?

I seem to be doing very well at college and better than some.

My attendance is 100% and I've only ever been on time once, all the other days, I've been early.

So why haven't I heard anything?

What is so wrong with my CV that a university wouldn't at least want to interview me?

I've even had glowing reports from my tutors, who have high expectations of me (not sure why?)

And this afternoon, sitting in class, one of the girls who's attendance and level of work is not exactly up there, started talking about interviews.

And that was when I started beating myself up.

But more then that, I'm beginning to feel scared. I'm scared about what my future will hold, if I don't get on this degree course.

What path will I then have to take in order to succeed?

Am I being too single minded about the line of work that I want to be in?

The weight of my responsibility to myself and more importantly, my daughter weighs heavily upon my not-so strong shoulders.

I feel myself beginning to flail, as if drowning, not in an ocean but a mere inch of water.

And my child, as if with a 6th sense, begins to press all my buttons, simply by 'choosing' not to listen.

It's suppertime and no response.

It's time to put pajamas on and no response.

It's time to clean teeth and no response.

It's time to get into bed and no response.

There always seems to be something better for her to do with her time, then listen to me or to complete the task at hand.

Prompting me to scream and shout at her like a mad banshee, as she starts to shout and kick me in defiance.

Is it a case of 'picking my battles'? But I don't want everything to be a war, I'd like some peace and calm.

Is that too much to ask for?

If so, what is it that I am supposed to do?

Where is my potential safety net?

Is this what it means to be a grown-up and a mother?

Crap! What if I'm making a mistake? Or what if it all goes wrong and I'm not able to get funding?

What if this studying turns out be a tad too neglectful of my child. And rather than building a decent future, I'm doing the opposite.

I told a fellow student that she should go to bed a pessimist and wake up an optimist.

Perhaps I should follow my own advice.