spending time

I stood and watched my daughter sleep for a few moments tonight, before kissing her and counting my blessings.

She is so very precious to me and yet on nights like tonight, I can be quite hard on her.  I look back at myself and realise that I am quite controlling.  It is supper time, we eat now.  No you can't have pudding until you've finished.  Sit forward so that the food spills on the plate. Don't talk with your mouth full.

I feel like all I hear is my own voice being negative towards her.  It's almost like I drill her, so that all this becomes habit for her.  It's about manners and common sense, but sometimes I wonder if she is just too young and if I'm just too concerned with it all.

Is it that I only hear my voice because I'm a single mum, and that couples don't feel this because there is two of them, voices alternate.

I know that she just wants to spend time with me.  She wants to sit with me, cuddle with me and eat with me.  But sometimes, like tonight, I don't recognise this until after the fact.  I don't want it to be too late to be with her.  I don't want to miss anything.  I want to enjoy her childhood with her and watch her grow up, but sometimes it just hard to relax.  To let her just be.  Should I just let her be?  Aren't I here to guide her?  To teach her?

I know that this young age, this delightfulness will go soon enough once she gets nearer to her teens and I need to remind myself to grab these moments while I can.