Mama kisses

Child: "Mama....when did you stop giving your mum kisses?"

Me: "I never did stop giving my mum kisses."

Child: "Mama.....I'm only going to give you kisses when I'm at home or at Grandma's."

Me: "I hope you never stop giving me kisses."

Child: "I never will Mama."

Child: "I love you Mama."

How sweet is that?

Silent Sunday

The Great British Weather

So what is that all about, eh?

We British, when we run out of conversation, turn the very interesting topic of our weather.

"Lovely weather we're having for this time of year."

"Oooh.....there's a nip in the air this morning."

"I love that gentle breeze, this is the perfect kind of summer's day."

"Bloody rain."

And so on and so forth.

My father used to say that even though he lived here for over 30 years, this was one of the things he never understood about the British.

Even now, when I talk with friends in foreign parts, the weather often crops up in our dialogue.

What strikes me as funny, is that when I turned the telly on earlier, what should I see on BBC1 but a programme called "The Great British Weather".  

What perfect, prime time television!!!

Silent Sunday

Birthday pampering!

This year, I managed to celebrate a small birthday over the course of a week.

It wasn't intentional, but every time I met up with a friend or two, it became a 'special treat'.

I think yesterday was the final day for it.

I went with a friend to the Royal Academy of Art to see the Summer Exhibition.  I try to go every year as I find the experience of being surrounded by so much art an amazing and stimulating feeling.  I love being immersed by it all and try to absorb as much of the diversity as possible.

I had already gone to see it a couple of weeks before but had no problem going again.

My friend wandered about at her own pace, as did I and when she had had enough, we went back out on to Piccadilly.

She turned to me and said, "Ok, lets go to Fortnum and Mason for lunch."

Who was I to argue?  So off we went.

Fortnum and Mason is one of those quintessentially English places, that screams of Britishness!

We went to the Garden Restaurant and was greeted warmly by the Maitre De.

I asked if we could have a window table as it was my birthday.

And OH MY GOSH!  it was as if I were someone famous.

We were ushered over to a table with a view, albeit of the side street, but it was bright and sunny and it made all the difference.

Menus in hand, we perused the food items.

The Maitre De returned and we were handed a glass each of champagne, for my birthday.

Oooh....nice way to start.

Lunch was ordered, with a glass of Rose and was most delicious.

And then the waitress returned with more champagne, for my birthday.

Followed by the Maitre De with a large piece of chocolate cake and a candle, singing 'happy birthday'.

I felt flushed, my cheeks went bright red.  Not sure if that was the champagne or the embarrassment of being sung to.

But all in all, it was an amazing way to wrap up a wonderful birthday week.

I couldn't eat the chocolate cake, so they graciously boxed it up for me.

Now that is what I call a doggy bag!!!

Silent Sunday

Too busy?

After reading a post this morning from Pampered Mummy, it got me thinking.

I often wonder where the ‘stopping’ line is.  My daughter loves to dance and has Tap and Ballet after school on Monday and Friday. She also has swimming on a Sunday, as I consider that a ‘life’ skill. But then I need cover for her on Wednesday and Thursday, so she does Drama and Maths at her school. I do feel this is too much, but some of it happens out of necessity. If, and it’s a big if, I had the money and the time, I would let her have riding lessons. But she is actually very happy doing none of it and just having a simple play date. I do feel that ‘down time’ is just as valuable and is also much needed in their busy little lives.  I can remember that as children, we would play en masse out on the street with all the other children from the neighbourhood.  We would play marbles on the metal plates that covered the drains.  We would play jacks.  Everyone rode their bicycles along the pavement.  We went running through the neighbours houses and into the back gardens.  We just played.  I had one class and that was a dance class on a Saturday morning.

So in this age where all our lives are too busy, are these activities now just driven out of necessity, need or a desire for enjoyment?  And who do they really benefit?

A piece of peace

We have had two peaceful evenings so far.

I'm not sure that I've worked out how to be a 'good enough' mother, but if I remain calm or at least attempt to remain calm, maybe that calmness will rub off onto my little girl.

It's not a solution but more of a bandage effect.

Talking about talking has helped, I think.  Trying to understand why she feels what she feels.

So if this become beneficial, as an aid, this talking, it could help resolve what issues are bothering her.  Especially if it maintains the peace, then hopefully it will have a knock on effect.

I hope that I can stop counting the peaceful pieces on my fingers soon.

I have to try all possibilities.

What would Winnicott say.....

I am currently wondering if I am a 'good enough mother' or simply not.

These rough days that I am having with my daughter feel like they're increasing in frequency.

And I have been noticing that I have been having a sense of panic.  I'm not sure that it isn't just bits of anxiety but whatever I'm feeling, it is making my heart pound.

I can't bare that I am such a shouty mummy.  I don't know what has happened to my ability to communicate.  This is my daughter, should I not be able to speak with her? Perhaps I need to listen better or listen more.  Sometimes when she starts being sarcastic or full of attitude, I feel my frustration growing and I need to walk away.   She contradicts everything I say, or she says that she already knows, or she starts raising her voice.  I stop responding because I don't want to shout.  Sometimes she lashes out at me, tries to hit me or to kick me.  All I can tell her is that she will hurt herself more than she will hurt me, which she invariably does.  This in turn does hurt me because I can't bare to see in this pain or this anguish.

It is when she works herself into a stew, she gets so angry, she screams at me that she hates me, that I hate her and that I am going to leave her.  I keep telling her that I don't hate her, that I love her and that I am not leaving her.  I don't know what else to say to her.  Where does this rage come from?  I do wonder how much of this is to do with her father not being her, with his moving to a different city without any warning.  I wonder how much this has to do with him having another family, more children that live with him, have his attention and his time.  I feel like I'm completely letting her and myself down, as a mother, I feel like I'm failing.  I often ask myself whether I'm not to hard on her.  Should I make more allowances for her?  She is only almost 8, but then when does that stop?  How do I know when what I'm asking of her is at the right time for her age and for her maturity?  Why do I not feel strong enough to cope with this?  I'm having time off at the moment, so why do I feel so stressed?  I wish that there was someone else here to share all this with.  Not to take over when I fall down, but just to support me when I wobbly and I feel like I'm wobbling at the moment.  I've said it before, but it is so hard sometimes, having this responsibility for another person, a person so dependent on me to make the right decisions, or the best decisions.  But what if I pick the wrong path to go down?  Then what?

Silent Sunday