2010 finishing....

The last day of the year and I'm feeling healthy.

I'm ok on the 'happy' front too, not ecstatic but not depressed either.

Somewhere in the middle.

So looking back on this last year, there have been some ups and definitely some downs, but overall it has been a good year.

I am where I want to be.

I feel physically fairly fit.

But also, I'm doing the degree that I want to do at the University of my choosing.

With the exception of DC, I am mostly going positively forward.

In our last conversation on Christmas, he said that he hoped the new year fulfills my hopes and dreams.

And that is exactly what I hope for in 2011.

So fingers crossed....

To follow on.....

I may seem like an old-fashioned romantic to most people but the fact that I still believe in this 'real love' is part of what defines my character.  I am faceted, like love, I have many aspects to me, one of which is my belief in what lies a head.  I do sometimes wobble in this belief, such as after my divorce, but then it gets reconfirmed when dear friends make a commitment to get married.

Beethoven wrote to his 'Immortal Beloved'..."what longing in tears for you - You - my life - my All - farewell.  Oh, go on loving me - never doubt the faith-fullest heart.  Of your beloved.  Ever thine.  Ever mine.  Ever ours."

Even Beethoven believed.

(Love Letters of Great Men)

....in the city

In the inimitable words of Carrie Bradshaw, I got to thinking about relationships last night.

Here we all are, coming to the end of yet another year and for the most part, it was a really good year.  But what is it that I want?

And after watching yet again, the final episode of Sex and the City (for the umpteenth time), it occurred to me that I have a similarity to Carrie.   No it is not my fabulous shoe collection or my incredible wardrobe filled with vintage couture, it is that I too am someone who is looking for love.  It was her final conversation, her speech if you like, to Aleksander the Russian, that has brought about this ruminating about love.  She looked at him and said that she is "someone who is looking for love. Real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can't-live-without-each-other love."

It is also what she says about relationships that resonates within my world, "there are those relationships that open you up to something new and exotic, those that are old and familiar, those that bring up lots of questions, those that bring you somewhere unexpected, those that bring you far from where you started, and those that bring you back. But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you can find someone to love the you you love, well, that's just fabulous." 

I know that this 'real love' is out there, but I also know that it has to be a two way street and not a one-sided thing.  It is multi-faceted and full-bodied and like a good wine, improves with age.

So to ask the question, do I believe in 'real love'?

Abso-fucking-lutely!

(Thanks Big)

spending time

I stood and watched my daughter sleep for a few moments tonight, before kissing her and counting my blessings.

She is so very precious to me and yet on nights like tonight, I can be quite hard on her.  I look back at myself and realise that I am quite controlling.  It is supper time, we eat now.  No you can't have pudding until you've finished.  Sit forward so that the food spills on the plate. Don't talk with your mouth full.

I feel like all I hear is my own voice being negative towards her.  It's almost like I drill her, so that all this becomes habit for her.  It's about manners and common sense, but sometimes I wonder if she is just too young and if I'm just too concerned with it all.

Is it that I only hear my voice because I'm a single mum, and that couples don't feel this because there is two of them, voices alternate.

I know that she just wants to spend time with me.  She wants to sit with me, cuddle with me and eat with me.  But sometimes, like tonight, I don't recognise this until after the fact.  I don't want it to be too late to be with her.  I don't want to miss anything.  I want to enjoy her childhood with her and watch her grow up, but sometimes it just hard to relax.  To let her just be.  Should I just let her be?  Aren't I here to guide her?  To teach her?

I know that this young age, this delightfulness will go soon enough once she gets nearer to her teens and I need to remind myself to grab these moments while I can.

A long, long, long time ago.....

This is my road.

The photo is dated: 7th May 1888

My house wasn't built until 1904, otherwise you would see it just before the bend on the right.

Other then the houses, nothing much has changed.

Last looked out....

Late afternoon, looking out of the sky light in my kitchen.

It's amazing what you can see when you look up!!!

From Christmas wish-list to Christmas wishes!

OMG!!!!

CHRISTIAN LOUBOUTIN
Plisseta 140 satin slingbacks
£495

There's a story behind these shoes!

Talking of age...

I know that I 'dissed' teenage antics in my last post, but I am loving the new un-official Facebook campaign to change everyone's profile photo to a cartoon character by Monday 6th December. Not sure it can be achieved, but love the effort.

And it is so interesting to see what characters everyone is choosing.

Playground antics

Can I just start by saying, "How old are you?????"

I mean seriously, didn't we all grow out of this when we left our early twenties behind?

Last night, I was chatting with a friend between dances and we got on to the subject of two other girls and New Year's Eve.

Earlier in the year, I had felt that the two girls and I had the beginnings of a nice friendship, lots of communication, meeting up at venues etc. But since the summer, I feel like I have been dumped. One of the girls changed her Facebook settings so that I can't write on her wall. My old nemesis, 'Insecurities' started to rear it's ugly head. But I thought to myself, no, it's not worth worrying about. Then in recent weeks, people have been talking about New Year's Eve. The Dance is being held at a different venue this year and the friends I went with last year, aren't going. I'd sort of resigned myself to staying in. But then after talking with this friend last night, I mentioned that the two girls had most definitely not invited me to join them. She said the same thing. It just felt a bit too selective. We are not part of the 'in-crowd'. That we are not flavour of the month.

And all this just made me feel like I was interacting with teenagers.

There seem to be two camps of people at Ceroc.

Camp 1, where it is one big happy family and everyone is included.

Camp 2, only the favoured few, the elite are accepted into the inner circle, and who knows what the criteria is for that.