Silent Sunday

Silent Sunday

Silent Sunday

Silent Snowy Sunday

Lower the expectation

I woke up feeling confident, not that I was going to get a glowing report but because I felt like I knew what I wanted to contribute to the meeting.  I had all the necessary bits of paper and some, just in case pieces too. 

I was the first person to arrive at work, which gave me a moment to breath.  Last night, I had a moment of panic about what was required for this meeting and so I sent out a few texts to friends just to clarify.  I didn’t want to forget anything.  I then emailed myself all the various documents that might be needed.  I went to bed feeling, if nothing else, prepared.

I was a few minutes early for meeting my PA and so I sat with my Sherwood Diary reading over the various Acts and Legislations relating to my work. I am trying to utilise this as a learning tool, for although the information is brief, it is concise and accurate.

My PA arrived and we went off to the meeting with my tutor, JD.

As the door to the office closed behind us, I felt my little bit of confidence seep away.  I knew I was struggling, but now I had to say it out loud in front of 2 people that I had great respect for.  All the outside stuff that was happening with my daughter and other things was beginning to chip away at me.  This meeting suddenly felt daunting.

I know that my expectations of myself are high and I think this is what is making me come undone.  Between my tears, we talked about the need to see progress.  The next month or so will be my proving ground.  I need to start feeling confident that I can do this.  We talked about my holding back.  My PA said that she felt I was ‘reserved’ in my writing.

When I got back to work, BB asked me a difficult question.  He asked, “Do you believe in yourself?”

My answer today, was “no”.

Today’s 3-way meeting was hugely constructive and deconstructive all at the same time.

Heard it through the grapevine

A funny thing happened on the way home.  I was sitting on the bus when a girl from my daughter's class got on with her sister.  This happened to be girl B, a girl that I'd written about in a post from last June 2011, I had talked about the possibility that my daughter was being bullied.  

Today, girl B told me that girl A had threatened to 'beat up' my daughter and that she was 'shocked' that I didn't know about it.  I was shocked to be hearing this from a 9 year old child, as she was talking to me as if she were an adult.  But actually I was more worried to hear about the threatening behaviour towards my daughter and that I didn't know about it.  Was this really happening?  Or was this a fanciful story from girl B?  l

When I got home, I immediately rang the school and asked to speak to Mr PB.  He was in a meeting but I left a VERY long message with one of the lovely office staff, saying in no uncertain terms that if I didn't hear from Mr PB today, I would be at the school tomorrow morning to discuss this with him.  I wanted to know more about what was going on.  Mr PB rang me back at 6.05pm.  He said that there had been an incident between child A and my daughter last week, but it had been dealt with.  He had put child A on the behaviour scale (not sure if that is like an older version of the 'traffic light'), as there had been another spate today.  At home time, my daughter had found not very nice messages in her pencil case, pieces of paper saying "poo".  Having listened to all of this, I asked Mr PB why he hadn't thought to let me know about what had been happening?  Did he not think it pertinent enough to warrant a phone call?  He promised to investigate and to call me with what he finds out.

Later sobbing on the phone to my dear friend, I cursed my ex-husband for putting me in this situation.  He has no idea what this is like, trying to raise a child by yourself, with no partner to share the difficulties with.  Sometimes I am so angry with him.  My dad always used to say that life is not fair.  But bloody hell, this is just a bit too unfair at times.

My lovely daughter (yes today she is lovely) came home, got into her pijamas and cuddled with me on the couch.  She is now sleeping peacefully in her room, oblivious to the anxieties that I am currently feeling.  I hope that this is just a bit of mischief and that it will all blow over, but what if it isn't?  What if this follows her through to secondary school?  Is this going to become a generational pattern?

I hope for her sake, that she continues in the confident, happy vein that she is in and grows up without these particular worries.

Silent Sunday

Silent Sunday - oh those *@%$* paparazzi!

Parallel universe?

I went dancing last night and bumped into my friend Dan and his girlfriend, Amanda.  I think I'd last seen them before Christmas when I had just had a couple of dates with a man from Stoke Newington.  They asked how it went and had there been more subsequent dates.  I told them the dates were really nice, but absolutely no chemistry, so no more dates.

Feeling rather pathetic about the whole thing, I told them that I was losing hope in meeting someone and that I wasn't even sure that there was anyone out there for me.

And that was when Dan turned to me and said, "he is out there, he is just in a parallel universe."

I looked at him in slight disbelief at the use of the word 'parallel'.

And he explained himself.

He and Amanda had been dancing at the same venue, on the same night for a year before they met.

He said that my 'Mr Right' was probably at the same venue as me, just in a different or parallel space and that our paths hadn't crossed yet.

It made me wonder.......

Is there some truth to this?

Is it really simply a matter of being in the right place at the right time?

Silent Sunday