Letting go

Today was an amazingly productive day.  The above photo shows 8 bags of old clothes.

Clothes that haven't seen the light of day or night for quite some time.

There are bags of coats, old jumpers, t-shirts and even underwear.

It felt very strange letting this all go.  Suits from my corporate life, jumpers from post-pregnancy, jumpers from pre-pregnancy, BIG jeans, little jeans and everything in between.

Some of the items were very strong reminders of my life with my ex-husband.

Some things were even older then that.

It was a cathartic and emotional challenge that a really lovely friend helped me with.

I wouldn't say that she was ruthless, but she was very firm.

It was yes or no.  There was no grey area.

And looking at the bags sitting in my hallway, I'm really glad that I had her help.

I would never have been able to manage half this amount without her.

Thank you T.

This is what I love...

It is days like today when I feel completely fortunate that after my divorce I was able to come home.

By home, I mean London.

It is an incredible city, not least because it is one of the greenest cities in Europe.

And today, this afternoon, a damp afternoon, we donned our wellies and went for a walk.  Splashing through the puddles with my dear friend and her two gorgeously rambunctious boys, made me so glad to have all that London has to offer on my door step.

I am so looking forward to the warmer months, where I can spontaneously stop in Regents Park for an early evening stroll through the rose garden.

If anyone is pondering the possibility of visiting London, then I say Yes! and enjoy every minute of it.

But bring an umbrella!

In need of something cheerful

Having just taken a glance at my recent posts, I noticed that they had taken on a rather somber and downward direction.  So with that being noted, I decided that I'd better share with you what I am constantly bombarded with on a daily basis, bringing a much needed smile to my face.

Worn today, on behalf of Rainbow Day, were 2 odd stripy socks over stripy tights.

My daughter managed to wear a grand total of 58 colours today - thank goodness I wasn't sponsoring her by the colour!

Deficiency

I feel like I keep missing the mark.  I have this sense of inadequacy, as if I’m not quite there.  I’m not quite tall enough.  Or I’m too tall.  It’s that feeling that when people see me and they think if only she did this…..or did that….or had this…And to top it all, according to the mass media, I’m not slim enough.  At 42, why are my levels of confidence so unbalanced?

In a conversation earlier today, I said that I am very well aware that I am physically not what I was.  The discussion was based around ‘bereavement and loss’, a presentation that we are giving next week, and we had moved to the ‘loss’ aspect of it.  We talked about the loss of what had been.  I still grieve my dancer’s body and feel sadness towards my current body, but it is something that I live with.  I think that most of my friends are aware of my body grievance and their support and love helps me live with it.  But what about those people who don’t have that kind of community around them.  Those are the people that seemingly fall through the proverbial cracks.  The young girls with body dismorphia, the 40-year-old woman living with bulimia, the 30 year old single mother who had never learned how to say no.  The twenty-year-old man who was bullied by his brother.  The list is almost endless.  

This presentation is unearthing a lot of old issues for us all, that had been left simmering, a question of being unresolved.  Old demons have resurfaced, while new ones have enthusiastically appeared.  Some members of the group have found that this has triggered the grieving process for a loved one, while others have found that they reminisce about their past life or work or relationship.  I find myself asking many questions, trying to ascertain why it is I am feeling what I am feeling now and what, if anything, I can do to resolve it and move forward.  This all seems very circular to me.  My life gets over one hurdle, then reaches a plateau, before another hurdle come along.  Is this what is meant by having a normal life and living in a routine?

17/2/11

Not feeling it....

Dear Agony Aunt,

It was 'that' day on Monday.

The day that has become all about how many cards, flowers, chocolates are received.  There was not a single card in sight, not even from my lovely child and don't even get me started on the very obvious lack of roses.  This had been a very bleak day and traditionally for me, it has always been a day that I have dreaded.

During my teenage years, my relationships (and I use the term loosely) would typically begin just after or end just before Valentine's Day.

I was never very popular in Secondary school, or when I was doing my A'levels and college was certainly no better.  Even during my marriage, it felt like I had to hint at the possibility of my 'man' giving me a token of their affection.

It is the thing that seems to have alluded me for most of my life, so far, along with the reason why it carries so much gravitas in my mind.  
Last year, DC gave me two roses.  He chose a red for our "passion" and a white for me.  But this year was different.  I'm almost certain that we're not seeing each other anymore, as he is spending most of his week days out of London working and at weekends, he is up north taking care of his elderly mother.

There is no time for me.

So the reality for me, is that Valentine's Day has become a bit like New Year's Eve, where it is geared up to be spent with a loved one.  
Giving me a sense of social exclusion, not a nice feeling at all.

Will this ever change?

Is there someone out there that would put me nearer the top of their priority list?

I bloody well hope so.

Sincerely,

'trying to remain optimistic' in North London

Brunch

The delicious food was all too much for my little girl!

Getting to the bottom of things

It never occurred to me that a person could be recognised by their bottom, but that is exactly what happened to me on Friday night.

I had decided NOT to wear my usual skinny jeans, but to don a pair of rather nice black trousers....just for a change.

And so I'm happily dancing and spinning my way around the hall when I caught a glimpse of a man friend (MF), who I would normally see at the Tuesday venue.  I was very pleased as he is one of my favourite people to dance with.

A few dances later, I wended my way through the crowd to find him and his opening remarks were, "I saw you earlier as I recognised your bottom".

Before I had time to respond, he whisked me away for a dance.

Judging from the goofy grin on his face, I think I must have looked quite shocked by what he had said.

Thinking about it later, it sort of started to make sense to me.  If a person has their back to you, then you can't see their face, so it is their overall silhouette that you would recognise.  That is unless there is a distinguishing more prominent feature, such as the shape or size of their rear end.  My dear friend has broad shoulders and small hips and from behind she has always reminded me of a swimmer.  There are many attributes that can make a person stand out in a crowd.  Sometimes it can be their posture, or the style and shape of their hair, maybe they have a distinctive walk.

It used to be (many, many years ago) that in the warmer months, people would recognise my back, so I'm left wondering when did the recognition go south to my bottom?

TGIM!

My weekend was filled with various loud (very) children, including my shrill-toned daughter.  It felt like mine was a halfway house for the waywardly vocal child and that my door had a sign on it.

WELCOME ALL THOSE BETWEEN THE AGE OF 5 AND 10.

(enter only if on maximum volume and with full velocity of movement)

So needless to say, I am happy it's Monday. 

Funny how I look forward to the beginning of the week....what does that say about me, eh?

A good way to start the day

My daughter saw my neighbour's shiny, black Triumph motorbike gleaming in the morning sunshine and said "what a smart bike for a smart man!"

I asked why smart and she replied "because he has an office."

Made me laugh! :-)

Perfection?

I was told off by two people the other for giving myself a hard time about my studies.  I keep beating myself up about not being 'good enough'.

I feel like I'm struggling at the moment to get back into the flow of University learning.

I know I'm not reading enough and I really haven't managed to improve a psychology assignment as much as I would like.

We are always being told that this current work is 'formative' and that all the grades we receive are only indicative and NOT actual.  We only need to pass this year in order to move on to the 2nd year, but yet I'm still feeling like I'm floundering.

I'm flailing about in a subject that I thought I had more knowledge about, but really don't.

Am I kidding myself about being able to do this?

I look around me at the rest of my peers and their work experience seems to be so much fuller than mine.

I do wonder what it was about me that got me onto this degree.

I don't want to settle for a 2.2, but am I setting my goals too high, aiming for a first?

The likelihood is that I will get a very decent 2.1 and I would be happy with that.

It is the achievement of completing this degree successfully that I am after.

So then what is it that is hindering me now?