Long time past

I know it has been a long time since my last real post, but life has been so busy between being a student and a mother.

There simply aren't enough hours in the day.

But on a sadder note, a dear friend last her mother last year to illness and a few days ago was told that her mother-in-law is now terminally ill too.  She is devastated, again.

Another dear family friend of my mother, has just told us that she has breast cancer.  Mum immediately had a bit of a panic.....what if?

But really, what if?  This could apply to us all.

I have been following the blog of a man, a father of 2 boys, happily married to a lovely woman, who has been writing his way through his treatment.  He has always been optimistic about the treatment, in the hopes that he would beat the cancer and be able to live his life.  Unfortunately, yesterday he wrote that his prognosis has become terminal, that his care now is just palliative.

I cried.  I had been watching his struggle for so long now, that I felt that he had become a friend, albeit a long distance one.

He is a reminder to me that life can be cruel.  That you need to literally seize the day.

He will never see his sons grow up to be strong men like their daddy.

He will never enjoy later life with his wife.

Reading his blog and following his journey has been inspirational.

Oh that I could follow his writings for many more years to come.

P.S.

Having just written Yet Another One...., I do want to add that today was a good day.

We have been having an incredibly rough time at the moment.  My child is angry, I think with her father, but is directing this anger at me and as a single mum, there is no-one here to say, "it's ok, I'll take over".

It isn't spilling over into school, but I am in contact with her teacher, so that the school is aware of her home life.  The car took a beating with her frustration yesterday, while the day before it was aimed at me.  It leaves me wanting to cry, but I can't.  I have to breath, relax and count to ten, reminding myself that this too shall pass.  But sometimes I wonder what else I can do?

I want to scream at her father and tell him what an absolute arse he has been and that it is affecting his daughter.

Life is not perfect, I accept that, but I wish that it could just be a bit smoother for a while.

Trapped

Not sure if trapped is really the right word, but I definitely feel like my hands are tied.

Admittedly, when I got divorced, I was granted the legal right to return home with my daughter under the proviso that she return to the States for 30 days a year.  This is more then some of my friends have been able to do and less than others.  But over all, I'm ok with it.

I don't mind going back with my daughter as it gives me the opportunity to spend time with my friends and family.  What I am struggling with is the financial commitment.  It is almost impossible to spend a straight 30 days over there, so the visit is broken into two parts.  This means that there are two sets of plane tickets. As a student, I have the time, but struggle with the money.  When I graduate, I will hopefully have the money but not the time.  Bit of a catch 22.  I am thinking that in about 5 or 6 years time, she might be old enough to do the trip alone.  This is not something that I am confortable with but it might have to become a reality.  My ex has said no to any kind of 'time' compromise.  He wants every second of his 30 days, but won't consider a visit over here as part of the 30, only as additional time.  He is now talking about visiting in the new year.  He has agreed to continue to 'contribute' to my child's plane tickets but not cover the complete cost.  So if I tell him the return flight is £400, he'll give me £300.

Is this fair?  No.

Is he put out at all by these visits?  No.

The other side of the coin is that I have my daughter year round, ups and downs included.

My Pops used to say all too often, "life is not fair".

Indeed this is true.

And with that said, I will look forward to the day that I graduate and am gainfully employed.  I want to be able to NOT need his money.  It is not easy being a single parent, relying heavily on the help of friends and family, but its not impossible either.  I have to kick myself every now and then and remind myself that it could be so much worse.  My life could be much more restricted.

So for now, lets just sort out the 'to do' list for the next 12 months and worry about the rest nearer the time.

Home

Home.
Not sure why it is but I find myself smiling when I think about it.
And it's not just my own small living space, but the surrounding area.
I was driving back from a long afternoon of dancing on the river, followed by more dancing in a pub, completely exhausted with little patience for idiot 'Sunday' drivers, when I turned right onto Roseberry Ave and found myself smiling.
I had grown up going to Sadler's Wells, the old theatre, not this glass monstrosity that they have now replaced it with and it sort of felt like a signal. A sign that I was in home territory.
Not long now and I'd be wending my way past my old road, the road where I lived for 30 years. Do people still do that? Live somewhere for that length of time? It seems that everyone wants bigger and better, more space inside, more space outside. Are we never content with just enough? Is the grass always going to be greener on the other side of the fence?
That is a question that I am at this point in time, happy to answer with a no. I am content with where I live. It is my home. My humble abode. I share it happily (most of the time) with my child. We as a family unit, have grown and developed here. But further down the line, later on, perhaps in a few years, I would like to have a slightly bigger home, with a garden.
I can aspire to more. For what are we if we can't have our dreams? Our hopes? Our goals?
It is healthy to be able to achieve and to reach an actual peak in the daily mountains that we climb.
So yes, I am happy and I do smile when I near my own little part of the world. It is the comfort of the known, the normal, the routine that makes everyday life, at least for me, the life that I am happy to be leading.

Ooohhh.......

"I'm very conscious of you being in my life"

"Is that a good thing?"

"Oh yes, very good!"